This week has been a depressive fog for my heart and soul. I have been largely motionless and speechless trying to sort through all that is going on around the nation and trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with all of it.
I realized today in looking over to my side amidst the chaos I was not alone. All my questions, He was listening. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t frustrated and aching.
Why my generation?
Why am I in this generation?
The children, God all the children? They are defenseless. They are meant to be guarded by the mothers and fathers, They are so vulnerable
…is this how you ache God? Is it this never ending pain of mourning for the lost? For those not even weeks old in their lifetime? Down to a toothy elementary child? God, my endless questions…I don’t think the answers could calm the anger over the selfish ways they die.
Even in the realization of the preciousness of a child, I still found myself snapping at my own that I kept. My own that I held in my arms, even moments after their birth. My own that call me mama. My own perfectly innocent children who mirror my personality so well. I am so disgusted with myself. Fill in my emptiness with the riches of your love. My failure with Your goodness. My lack of adequateness with Your grace.
I am exactly where I need to be, this I know. I am in the state of Grace. Grace…oh my God, the grace.
This week made me remember my longing to be in a different era. I’d take the 1950’s…even earlier. How about when America started? Simpler. It seemed simpler in hindsight. Something I could handle because I’d already read about the tales of freedom fighters. It’s in the fantasy of yesterday I realized…this era, this crazy De-moralized, gray generation is exactly where I am meant to be because it is exactly where You formed me, and found me. You don’t make mistakes. And You see exactly what I have begun seeing through your grace….hope. You didn’t give up for 5000 years… you’ve bestowed grace and mercy upon generations… I shouldn’t lose hope over 50. Even if I’m broke, I’ll tithe my life. You saved me.
Running. I’ll keep running.