When marriage kills you.

Most every journey I’ve heard has that one epic moment where everything changed and from that point on, it was cruising or perhaps even just… Easier? Anti-climactic really. Appears the happily ever after phase has begun.

But I’m calling the crap card. Either their life is really short or that long seasoned life was actually rather mundane. How could a life lived have one eye opening, never the same moment?

Or perhaps I’m just a stubborn learner. I find I’ve had many epic moments on my journey where I know life will never be the same. I Could be a slow learner and serve a gracious God.

The most recent “epic moment”was the day I realized I hated marriage.

Nope it’s absolutely not politically correct or “religious” of me to say it. But I do think it needs to be said. An effective story can be nothing if it is not truthful.

I had filed for divorce after 9 years of marriage. Suffice it to say I felt compelled to move on and live at peace (whatever that means after filing divorce). But the underlying feeling of wanting to vomit and defeat overwhelmed me. One dear friend at the time had told me to “just get past that. It’s normal. It eases eventually.”

After a few more days, I just couldn’t. I hated that sentence and even more, I hated marriage. And not just the idea of it created by the Creator of all things good; I realized my part. Why my marriage failed. Why I hated my Marriage.

It was because I am a sinfully horribly selfish person. And for the first time in my life… I was the worst sinner I’d ever met. The day I realized I hated marriage was because I was against it. God wasn’t. It was me.

I was suddenly aware of how terribly normal my own marriage was, and how selfishly arrogant it was of me to think our troubles were so much worse than every other marriage in the present and history of mankind. I suddenly realized the worth of marriage was a lifelong partnership, a lifelong covenant contract to love a sinner… Just like Jesus loved me.

The very thing I was angry at not happening–my spouse seeing the love of Jesus– wasn’t happening on my time and after years that made me sinfully rage filled. So mad I believed this lie that whenever among the years it was whispered that I was somehow better than the one I vowed to love for life. Those lies when we believe them and let them grow choke out the life and joy. It perverts everything good and pure that comes our way with the vision of sin we’ve taken on to look through. No wonder I hated marriage. 

That wasn’t Jesus.

That wasn’t right.

No where near “Christian”.

No. It was rather arrogant. Self-seeking. Hypocritical. These are rather nice words for the realization I had for the war I had allowed and invested myself to fight over the years. 

I absolutely do not know where you are. You’re reading this for whatever reason. I don’t know your journey. Only God does. Simply from my sin of choice, I thought for many years marriage would be the death of me. That was actually very true. God used the failing of my marriage to humble me and repent. And thank God, it was before I officially was the death of my marriage. The death of my own selfish desires was right where God could start redeeming and restoring what I had broken and damaged.

But maybe this story is simply here so you know you’re not alone. Jesus meets us where we are… Not where we’re not. 

God is for you, not against you. His plans for you are for hope and a future. He promises that when you seek him, you will find him (Jeremiah 29:11-12). 

The resolve of my story?
I laid down my sword. God’s grace made me see the war had already been won and that His burden was much lighter than the mess of pride I had chosen to carry(you can find that somehwere between the book of Matthew and also Ephesians 6). Did my husband have his own part in all this? Absolutely. It’s just not my story to tell. (Maybe another time…)

Because real women do carry swords. It just depends if it’s the sword for my battle or His. One wages death… The other brings life and healing.