Some days. Just, some days. And they seem like just some days. You eat right, you work to keep everything in the right order and you still get overwhelmed. Your brain still starts to spin like a top because littlest she just wants to nap on you because as you write he and bigger she are arguing in the next room for the fifteen-thousandth time over who looked at who funny. The laundry needs to be done because dirt and spit up happens and the dishes because there's no spoons… spin, spin, spin.
When you see your life spin sometimes it's hard to see clearly. Our souls forget. When you're life dizzy you're just trying to catch your balance, breath and stomach. Never look back but to give thanks.
For this I prayed.
I used to tell Him that "I can't do this. Can't you hear me? This is not what I've been praying for. Can't you hear me? I can't do this. It's too much God…"
Prayers that felt empty. Prayers that felt silent. Prayers that left me feeling lonely. Years of prayers. Years of marriage struggles. Years of parenting that felt useless, horrifying and heart breaking. "I can't do this God. Can't you hear me?"
It was 1 post on social media a few days ago. A baby dedication and the caption was "for this we prayed."
The story of Hannah in 1Samuel 1 is very brief. She had no children. She was barren and prayed year after year for a child. The grief of her journey is only verses long really, but God remembered her. Samuel, who she bore, she promised to the Lord. If we look over the timeline to her follow through of that commitment it winds up being tied to Jesus because Samuel found David who is from the line of Jesus… the savior of the world.
But Hannah did something remarkable in that chapter. She followed through. When we want what we want, we bargain and promise our lives away. It's selfish human nature. I think as a kid I probably promised I'd keep my room clean for a couple beanie babies I really really needed (eye roll). Little did my mom know at the time that included putting everything in the closet to fall out on her when she opened the doors.
Hannah followed through. She returned Samuel back to the temple to be used for the Lord's purposes. When I get something I pray for my heart overflows and I want to hold on so tight. It's only by God's grace I even see that and start slowly opening my clenched tight fists to trust again.
This verse has stuck in my mind this week. What have I prayed for? And what has God answered?
This life I've inherited…I've started seeing glimpses of answered prayers. Out of a season of big answered prayers, God–what are the little things you've remembered for which I prayed?
A prayer to never be the same may not be me staying holy and perfect, but God opening my eyes to see my kid's struggles are not my failures but opportunities to cling to a holy God for patience and gentle words.
A prayer to keep my marriage growing may not be perfect glances and blissful handholding, but getting my knees dirty to pray that He change my heart to be a better wife to my husband.
A prayer for healing our family may be living in a two bedroom apartment on top of each other to learn that God and family are most important…we do for each other, don't give up on each other, and love each other no matter what.
A prayer for patience may not be instant long suffering maneuvering but many dirty dishes, chaotic hallways, missed bedtimes, late for work, crazy before church, frustrating, flustering, kids mad at me and me mad at them moments to finally see where that patient breath actually fits in.
For this, I prayed.
I may not have asked for this crazy mess… but I'm living in a life of beautifully answered God remembered prayers.
For this I prayed… Wyatt, the remembrance of my prayer to never be the same. Kailyn, the remembrance of give me some light in this darkness to wake me up. Makenzie, the remembrance of years of prayers, and tears, and court dates, and divorce and restriction orders, and barrenness, and relapsed husband finding Jesus and staying clean, a marriage so broken healed… for this I prayed… and God remembered.
Because these answers to prayers…the remembrances? They aren't a moment. They are a lifetime of richly answered prayers from a never forgetting God.